'Dear John'...

It has only been a few days since we met, but I confess that my love for you has grown deep. Your pale complexion and sour personality have captured my heart.

But, in spite of my longing for you, I have come to the searing realization that, in the long run, you will only cause me pain and indigestion. I confess that I must severe our relationship.

Yes, I know that you are trans-fat free! But in spite of your healthful claims- you are still high in salt and fat. So even though your salty, dill pickle flavor and crispy texture calls to me- I cannot see you again. I must discard you and must indulge in you no longer... So I am tossing you aside, yes- even as yesterday's trash.

Please do not call to me- I can come to you no longer. As painful as it might be now, in the end it will be for the best...